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I'm Sorry

I'm sorry we didn't
Take enough pictures.
I never thought I would
Have to look at them to
Remember your face.

I'm sorry we never
Went to any of those places
We said we'd always go to.
I was young and didn't
Realize how much I, too, wanted
To see something brand new with you.

I'm sorry we couldn't hang out
With each other's friends
Without feeling awkward.
I wish we could've made
Our worlds truly combine.

I'm sorry we had so much stress
About making love.
Something as beautiful as two people
Becoming One should not bring anxiety.

I'm sorry about jealousy.
Giving independence
To someone you depend on
Is vital to showing
The one you love
How much you
Trust them with your heart.

I'm sorry if I ever
Talked down to you or
Made you feel stupid.
Because I look back now at
All the things I used
To say and think.
How could I think
I was so smart and
Had all the answers?

I'm sorry for not watching
Enough sunsets with you.

I'm sorry for getting in
The way of school.
I didn't realize how
College was like yet.
It's important to feel like
You belong at a school
And not just there to take classes.

I'm sorry I didn't
See it coming when you broke up with me.
You sounded so determined.
But why did you lie to me?
You said,
" I have some problems in
My life so I can't
Have a boyfriend right now."
Why did I assume that
That meant we'd get
Back together when your
Problems were better?

I'm sorry I didn't tell you
How devastated I was
When you started dating again.
I guess I was trying
To be a supportive friend.
But love or anger should
Never go unsaid.

I'm sorry for not telling you
How lonely I was when
I first came to college.
I'm sorry for not
Fighting harder for you.

I'm sorry for missing
You so much.
Without you,
I was lost.
When I'd called you and
You'd hang up on me,
I would be crushed.
But to me it was worth it.
You should've told me
If you were trying
To forget about me.
You should've told me,
But you never gave me closure.
And I think that's
What hurts most.
Not that my heart
Is still breaking,
Or that, deep down, I still think
I'll marry you,
But that my old wounds
Have never healed.
I don't even know
Why you really broke up
With me.
I don't know if, why, or when
You fell out of love with me.

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything
Wrong with my life.
Maybe I'm just
Looking for reasons,
Reasons for
Why my self esteem
Sucks again,
Why I can't believe in love anymore,
Not true love at least,
Why I cheat on
All my girlfriends now,
And most of all,
Why God and I
Don't talk much anymore.
Generally, why my life
Isn't much without
You in it.
I shouldn't blame you,
I just need reasons.
I think I found it
Easier to love myself
Knowing that the most
Incredible woman in the world
Loved me.

I'm sorry for writing this.
I tell my story
So many times,
Even to strangers,
That most people get
Tired of hearing it.
I guess I'm pretending
To talk to you
Because I know
I'll very most likely
Never talk to you or
See you again.
Maybe I'm tired
Of being crazy,
Tired of getting
Depressed for no reason,
And blowing another semester
Of school.
Maybe I'm just tired.
Maybe I just miss my friend.
I don't know.
Either way, Cecilia,
I'm sorry.

{ B A C K }